Waffle House Encomium

This epic tribute to Waffle House appeared in my Twitter timeline.

Since apparently people have decided to slag on Waffle House today, allow me to say a few words, as a transplant to the South, about this institution.

Waffle House goes harder than 99% of us will ever go in our lives. 

Their food is greasy spoon diner food. The waffles honestly do nothing for me. But long ago, my father said to me “There is this place called Waffle House, and they make these hashbrowns, and you get them all the way, and they are amazing. Also, I had to up my acid reflux meds.” 

I made a mental note of this, and then, some time later, found myself moving to North Carolina, and lo! There was a Waffle House.

I slid into the booth, settled on the creaking leatherette seats, and ordered hashbrowns all the way, as my father has told me. 

Was it haute cuisine? No.

Was it good? I’m not sure.

Was is strangely, deliciously compelling? Yes.

Did I eat them all? Yes.

Have I gone back hundreds of times? Also yes. 

Later, I would learn of the legendary Waffle House Index. When all else fails, when disaster is upon you, when the Angel has broken the seal and read from the scroll and fire and blood rains from heaven and the great Beasts sing before the throne Waffle House is open. 

Waffle House is staffed, inevitably, by a gray-haired white lady who calls everyone “hon” and offers you refills on your coffee and by a black man working the grill who gives the impression that if Elvis, Jesus, and DB Cooper walked in, arm in arm, he would not so much as blink. 

(Possibly there are other configurations, but I have not witnessed them. But there are many Waffle Houses, and I am but one woman.) 

Hyperbole aside, in the event of disaster and apocalypse, as mentioned above, Waffle House literally had “jump teams” that are scrambled because they know that
A) local employees can’t necessarily work and
B) people in disaster zones will need hot food. 

They bring in teams that do include restaurant workers, but they also bring in people who can fix gas pipes, contractors who can clear debris, drivers who can bring in food trucks, etc, because Waffle House Goes Hard. 

Undoubtedly they do make money as the only place that’s open, but you note that Denny’s and Cracker Barrel isn’t rushing to follow in their footsteps. What they do is pretty damn impressive. Rumor is that their emergency procedure book even includes nuclear fallout. 

If you have ever been stuck in the dark, in the cold, without hot food, and then found an open Waffle House, you know what it meant to you. 

I am not one to praise a corporation. Capitalism is not my jam. You all probably know that by now (unless you wandered in from a retweet, in which case, hi!) But for all their flaws, Waffle House offered health insurance to hourly employees back when that was laughable. 

They also give PTO to hourly employees, which is still nearly unheard of, and they only promote managers internally, which is still pretty darn unusual.

But for the rest of us, they are the hot meal in the end times. 

I would not be surprised if their disaster prep included the Rapture. (“Jump teams of non-evangelical employees are assembled in the event…”) 

In conclusion: Do not mock the Waffle House. Total strangers will take up arms in defense of those hashbrowns and tell you the story of how, when the world was literally on fire outside the windows, a gray-haired woman poured them coffee and called them “hon.” 

That is all.